From a young age, I turned to the symptoms of my disease; eating much more than my body needed and trying to restrict my intake of food to what I thought was "normal" in order to try and feel better, be happy and have a good life.
In simple terms, I relentlessly turned to an imagined and unattainable dream.
The dream that I would one day win the battle. The battle with picking up food compulsively and eating mass quantities. Except, the one day never stayed with me. Again and again I turned to eating food excessively and compulsively without being able to stop and stay stopped permanently.
It was
UTTER INSANITY
This way of thinking, of which I had and currently still have no control over, nearly caused me to kill myself. The phenomenon of craving bite after bite pushed me to the darkest depths of spiritual sickness and bankruptcy. The shame I felt enveloped all elements of my life. I wore the fat on my body, the separation and self-alienation from humanity in my heart, and a great resentment toward a God who would make me into such a vile and hideous person in my gut and soul.
I could and would eat plates, pans, bags, cartons and pots of food. My stomach would feel full and I wanted more. I would keep eating.
Over and over again, I gave in or tried to restrict.
- I hid food in my clothes, house and car.
- I slept with food in my bed.
- I fell asleep while chewing food.
- I consumed food so quickly, especially when fearing I would be caught eating, that I almost choked on more than one occasion.
- I ate food I was not sure was still fresh enough to eat.
- I yelled at other people for eating "my" food.
- I ate frozen foods.
- I ate uncooked and dangerous foods.
- I planned binges and spent many and evening driving from one store and/or restuarant to the next, selecting just the right binge food to stock my home for an anywhere from 1-3 day weekend binge.
- I drove through fast food restuarants, ordered several meals, and pretended, while paying, that I was taking the food home "for the family."
- I felt deep shame and embarrassment if anyone I knew saw me buying quantities of food.
- I would make a food item for a party or gift, then eat all of it, only to be forced to make it again or cancel out completely.
- I would not answer the phone during planned binge times.
- I called in sick to work on many occasions either while planning and intended binge for the day, or after having stayed up bingeing through the night.
- I threw food into the garbage and took it back out again.
- I ignored the needs of family and friends while obsessing about food.
- I cancelled plans with people to stay home, order out, and eat.
- I stole food.
- I stole money to get food.
- I ate other people's food (even when they asked me not to do it).
- I committed to only eating only "healthy food."
- I committed to never dieting again.
- I tried to eat myself to death on purpose.
- I starved myself.
- I tried weigh and pay programs over and over again.
- I tried hypnosis.
- I tried therapy (four different times over 25 years).
- I joined a "fat acceptance" movement in an attempt to control the obsession.
- I had relationships with people who were only attracted to overweight people.
- I bought food and went into public bathrooms to eat it.
- I emptied entire rows of candy from machines in one day.
- I had surgeries.
- I took pills.
- I used enemas.
- I flushed food down the toilet.
- I gave food away.
- I ate with abandon and then stuck my finger down my throat.
- I hit my head against the wall after binging to punish myself.
- I yelled and screamed and blamed people for the pain I was in.
- I cut myself on purpose.
- I cried out in the night for God to save me and went on eating compulsively.
- I was told I would lose organs if I did not control the symptom of my disease (reduce the intake of food and make better food choices). I refused to listen and had to have my uterus and gall bladder removed.
- I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and was told reducing my weight would decrease the physical pain. This information did not stop me from eating compulsively.
- I was told I was headed for diabetes, fatty liver disease, kidney disease and heart disease.
- I promised my children, doctor and self I would stop eating compulsively. I broke that promise time and time again.
- I was sad and lonely; I couldn't be truly at ease and intimate with anyone (neither romantically or platonically) due to self-criticism and a hated of my body.
- I believed no one could really love me.
- I had intense self-loathing and hate for the world.
I was powerless -- the compulsion had me by the throat. My life was unmanageable -- even though it had me, I kept thinking somehow I would get the upper hand on it, even though I never had been able to do so.
For over 40 years, I kept trying to manage the unmanageable and find a way to conquer compulsive overeating. At that time, the spiritual life for me was a theory; although there was an inkling inside of me about God. I did not believe a Higher Power was the answer.
I wanted sanity and peace. I had no idea how to find it.
What I did not know over those many years was a hard truth.
I have a big, life-obliterating problem. A progressive and fatal disease. A disease that no doctor, diet, therapist, or vow can relieve. I am insane when it comes to eating food compulsively.
I didn't know that no human intervention could save me from it.
I rationalized my life. I had a lot of excuses in my head.
I was a good person. Bad things had happened to me. I was made to be responsible from a young age. I had been blamed and misled by people around me who were supposed to take care of me and love me. I was the victim. Someone should help me.
I didn't get it. I didn't see the disease. I could not believe I was a hopeless case. The denial was strong in me.
Early on in life I had gone from a relatively normal eater (infancy-2yo)
And transitioned to a competitive quantity eater (2-5yo)
Then finally became a full-fledged compulsive overeater; completely powerless to stop -- life was unmanageable thereafter (6yo-receiving the psychic change four decades later).
In the beginning, the problem was simple.
I was a little kid and I saw the big people around me eating mass quantities of food. I did what they did.
Later, after I identified my favorite foods, I began eating them in mass quantities. Eating as much as I could get my hands on. Eating a lot.
As a prepubescent child, I began to plan and look forward to binges and to times when I could steal money from my family to get the food.
My favorite food was chocolate in almost any form. I could eat pounds and pounds of it in a day. I would easily devour 10 candy bars in a sitting while hiding in a closet to be sure no one would find out. Fear of being caught was intense.
The idea of food and eating was always tantalizing me and much greater than any fear. Rarely was I thinking of my surroundings, my family, my classmates or my circumstances. I had to present a self that appeared to be interested in others; but the truth was I was terribly uncomfortable with myself and with other people and the only true relief I got was to think of food, plan the binge, get the food and eat it.
Even when I ate to the point it made me vomit; I would do so and go back and eat more. I used chocolate to kill the taste of chocolate vomit.
I had to have chocolate with or near me at all times.
By the age of 12, I decided it was time to stop eating that way. The decision I made at that age, albeit an unconscious decision at best, was to turn my life over to the myth that dieting could deal with the insanity of compulsive overeating.
I tried. I failed. I tried. I failed. The cycle went on and on. Even though I knew I could not master the compulsion; I continue to try to do so.
I still thought, even with decades of life experience, that the problem was food and the answer was to find a way to control my eating. I thought the problem was that I was fat and that if I could find a way to get thin; my life would be perfect.
I ate myself to nearly 400lbs., all the while seeking a solution through human intervention. I blamed my family, the diet industry, the doctors, the therapists and myself for not having the solution.
I was not willing to admit I was powerless over compulsive overeating and that I continued to turn to excess food for ease and comfort, even though I knew it was hurting me. I could not stop doing it. I had reached the precipice of my own life and wanted to be done with it.
I thought I was done with it.
The only relief I had was when I entertained the idea of committing suicide.
What happened:
Although I'd had a long history as the perfectionist, self-pitier, finger-pointer, people pleaser, rager, thief, liar and gossiper; my prima dona state nearly always defaulted to the drama queen. However, with the realization around the "killing myself" idea, there was no internal drama.
There was a sense of relief in the thought that perhaps maybe death would bring actual relief. And, while risky as there is no answer to what comes after this life - not FOR SURE anyhow - I was seriously entertaining the risk.
This idea brought a sense of peace which made me feel better.
What stopped me was thinking of others and the additional pain such an action would cause them.
It's important to note that what started my road to a recovered state was the thought of others.
Rarely had I thought of how what I was doing or would do was burning the people who loved me. My pain had been so great I had no true thoughts for them.
Interestingly, the next thing that happened after thinking about how a killing of the self would hurt others, and a knowing that it was wrong, was praying.
I hadn't been much into prayer. I was raised with a religious practice but didn't much understand it or the purpose or usefulness of prayer. My history with prayer had been praying for God to give me what I wanted in times of crisis and only asking God to do for me what I would have God do.
Never had I asking for guidance with the insanity.
Never until that terrible, wonderful day.
Somehow, the suicidal thoughts, followed by the idea of prayer, and then earnestly praying for God to give my support and to show me what I could do next to find some sort of peace led me to thinking of checking myself in to a hospital.
I'd just come off of a 3 day binge after another extremely restrictive fad diet. The obsession was fierce.
I had no health insurance so hospitalization was out.
I turned to the internet and search the terms "Obsession with food" "eating disorder" "dieting does not help" "suicidal feelings."
I found information on Overeaters Anonymous and started going to meetings. I got a step and food sponsor, I called in the food, I claimed I was allergic to sugar and flour and wheat (not true -- another lie -- I have never been tested allergic), I said I had to weigh and measure food because my eyes were broken. I kinda, sorta worked the steps, but mostly my sponsor was my sounding board. I talked, she listened, she didn't say much in response.
The weight began to drop off.
I thought I had my solution.
I was saying all the right things in meetings. I was calling in my food. I wrote several notebooks filled with my 4th step work. I sponsored to the point of where I was; telling sponsees to call in their food, write pages and pages of step work, etc. I discussed the problem at meetings, with my sponsor, with fellows outside of the rooms and with my sponsees.
All this worked for a while.
And then, it stopped working.
I started playing with my food portions. I started becoming more and more resentful at the people in the meetings. I became angry and passive-aggressive, resentful and blaming. I came to understand that for me, weighing and measuring food was just another diet -- yet another way for me to try and impose power over that which I am powerless over: I am powerless over compulsive overeating. Left to my own devices, I will turn back, again and again, to try and run the show.
I saw that the food scale was another way I was trying to run the show, another way my life had become unmanageable.
I became even more desperate.
I thought OA worked for others but did not work for me.
Then I heard a woman at a meeting say she was a "recovered" compulsive overeater. I thought this was a pompous thing to say. How can we be recovered? Aren't we always going to have to fight off the food? But I was curious, so I called her.
She provided a lot of useful information about working the steps as they were designed to be worked, about exactly how one received a recovered state. She pointed me to the following information in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
"We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, are many thousands of men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. We think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic. Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person. And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.",
BB of AA, pg vii, 3rd. ed.
She told me some of her story, about the hopelessness, the pain, the inability to stop eating compulsively. She explained that meeting don't bring about recovery, but that working the steps exactly and precisely as they were designed to be worked is how to get to the recovered stated referenced many times in the Big Book.
She told me about her life since receiving becoming recovered.
I wanted that. I wanted the freedom and neutrality she detailed.
She became my sponsor.
I began working the steps in the way they were designed to be worked. In the same way those first 100 recovered alcoholics worked them back in the 1939 and 1940.
I was miraculously given a psychic change. I recovered. I have ceased fighting anything or anymore. The problem has been removed.
The God of my understanding is in charge of my life.
What it's like now:
I have ceased fighting everything and everyone, even compulsive overeating. Sanity has returned.
Sanity returned means that I seek God's Will for me as the defects arise. Sanity means I have a willingness to look at truths about myself without going into self-pity, rationalization, excuse-making or blame (all defective thinking and I have the proof, from all those years of trying to fix myself, that these defects are not useful and will, left untreated, send me back to the obsession of the mind and to pick up food compulsively). Sanity returned means I accept that if I am willing to follow the simple instructions, God can come in each day and right mind me and right my world.
It's been a miracle to witness this take place in my life.
How is this recovered state maintained?
I follow instructions. Specifically, I use rigorous honesty in order to maintain spiritual fitness on a daily basis.
I apply steps 10, 11 and 12 over and over again all through each day:
"This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code."(pg.84 Big Book of AA, 3rd ed.)
I attend meetings that study the Big Book as a textbook and set of instructions on how to get and maintain spiritual fitness.
I pray and meditate, I seek the truth in identifying my defect and know whenever I am in disharmony, it is always about me and never about something or someone else.
I follow simple instructions.
I know the purpose of my life is to serve God and my fellows.
I constantly remind myself I am not running the show.
I ask God to show me what He would have me do so that I
can be of maximum use.
I am enjoying being alive in the world. I know the ego/insanity/obsession is a part of who I am. I know I can do nothing about that unless I turn to God and follow directions.
When I do this, I am relieved of the bondage of myself, I am given the God-self (God consciousness) and life is the gift it was always meant to be. The gift of freedom from selfish resentment, fear, intolerance and self-seeking motives. Today I can live with people and in service to the God of my understanding. Life is brighter, easier, simpler.
I don't eat compulsively. I work the steps.
If you are truly done with trying to figure out the solution and know, in your heart of hearts, you simple can't keep trying to pretend you might find it on your own, what I have been given might be useful to you.
Here are two website with information on how to recover:
http://ppgaadallas.org/
http://www.oapp.info/
